Lesson 087 ~Vanity~

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hey Lady Lu...
Vain, Without real value; empty; worthless; ineffectual; light-minded; conceited.

Let’s start today’s lesson or lessons, if you had asked me maybe a week or so ago these girls would have meant everything to me. These whores though could never ever do anything for me, that can’t touch me, suck me, or actually love me. If only you knew what I went through to get them here… well that wasn’t hard but the time Luna, a waste of time.

What about knowledge Luna, can knowledge be worthless, what good is it to know their names, the three girls at the top Yuna, Tifa Lockhart, Ashelia B’nargin Dalmasca or the girls at the bottom Rikku, Yuffie Kisaragi, Rosa Joanna Farrell. I could tell you so much about people who don’t really exist, about worlds that will never truly be known, and of lives that I have lived that are only pretend.

How conceited am I, will you just look at them here although that might not be it, call it vengeance, I would look at it as justice and even then it’s all for nothing. This in no way gets me closer to what it is I want and I know you’re asking what is that again and at the moment I’ll tell you it’s complicated. Even now I’m asking myself why bother, it’s not that I feel I’m too good for this but I’m just getting tired of trying.

Speaking of being tired this is what I have been waking up to every single day… nothing, these lessons, the knowledge or lack there of, and these fake feelings of being someone are only a part of my vanity.

I’ve never considered myself a vain thing and when it came to vanity I only thought of beauty but vanity is so much more.

It’s the everyday Luna, waking up and dreaming of going somewhere but I never go anywhere; I’m waiting on death to die. I am sad to say I am one who walks the dusty recess of the mind and when I look out into this world I still see nothing. Maybe it’s up to me to find something, to build something, hell it could just be the need to seek something out.

How many times have I dreamed of girls such as these; I have imagined girls in the real world like this and the thing is with enough power I could have them. One day Luna I want to be able to say “I Made It”, there are men who have made girls do this and I mean that in every way imaginable; I want to be one of those.

What about you Luna, sweet pretend girlfriend, my therapist of porn, and a friend but what are you really if not another extension of my vanity. I tell my darkest secrets to you, I show such things thinking that someone is paying attention but no one is and if I got rid of the porn… ha. You know something I shouldn’t be telling you my secrets because I should be out in the world making secrets to keep hidden.

So what have I learned, what is today’s final thought, my dreams are vanity Luna but not all men dream equally; one day I’ll tell you what that means and no I didn’t come up with it but I do believe this is only vanity.

Lesson 086 ~Been There, Haven’t Done That~

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Hey Lady Lu...
I can’t change the past, especially past events that never happened but are only in the mind, the heart, and are more real to me than the actual moment. My grandma told me that me and The Abomination once got along so why is it I can’t remember, maybe it’s a family trait the whole selective memory thing, maybe it’s just a lie but I believe that maybe the hurt is just so great that it easily destroys any goodness that may or may not have existed.

It’s been one week since I hit that dog and I’m not thinking about as if I hadn’t hit him or her; my mind always goes to worst case scenario and so it’s as if I did kill that dog or even a person. I have mourned, I have cowered, and to this day I believe I will suffer the consequences of that day, a part of me wishes I did suffer the family’s wrath but what truly terrifies me is The Abomination’s rage or should I say pleasure at having me suffer. If I could only live in the moment Luna, the dog is fine, I’m fine, existence continues, but my thoughts on that day are truer than the day itself.

Maybe I give The Abomination too much credit on my ability to lie; I can never lie to him it’s like his power extends that far but maybe it’s just the fact that I can’t pick and choose moments, I say what’s real. Do you know how easy it is for them to lie Luna, if I could lie I’d lie to myself which actually I do, it brings us here me lying making things worse for myself; truth works the same way, I can’t lie up the truth is weighing me down, now that’s deep. The badness, the sadness, and the madness, I suppose drowns out the goodness, those voices have long since been killed off.

I’ve been places Luna, such dark hellish places but those fires burn away my flesh leaving only bones and the thing is I’m not dead yet, the past looks like Hell but it isn’t Hell. I think I understand why I do this, because there’s a “Rainbow In The Sky” or some kind of light and this light is my future and though I know it’s Hell maybe I’m hoping the fire is just a little less hot, something better…

What about hot let’s really crank up the heat with this hottie “Hollie” she’s today’s lesson from HelloHollie and Cam With Her. We’re talking about the past and Hollie is most definitely in the past but what I want to say is though I can’t lie up Luna I can imagine things for the better, I’m just never able to buy them as fact.

There have been moments Luna where things have been good; high school was Hell but there was a time during senior year when I was screaming my head off with the masses, a part of my class, whatever we were at the time I know I was free. You don’t know how desperate I am to find another good moment from my life but it seems I can’t, see I say something good and I immediately go back to the negative; when I graduated I didn’t get the food I wanted, the party I wanted, hell the life I wanted, I blame myself but as for my mother and The Abomination did they even ask me what I wanted? I have to say right here and right now despite everything that this moment is good, the silence, the peace, and that for maybe three more minutes I imagine nothing bad happening, it’s 6:37 PM.

Luna I imagine if I had ever had the chance to meet Hollie maybe I could have won her heart, maybe I would be the one fucking her in that video “Its Hollie Sex Video”. What if somehow I had played it smarter with Chrissy, hey come on now it could’ve happened, six books and counting… I’m always having dreams about “Glory” remember Dr. Phil, the Local Authors Expo, and if I had actually had my shot.

Okay so what have I learned today… that everything looks bad in the past and the future isn’t looking any better but I’m kinda like Giles in Buffy The Vampire Slayer “it has to be” For a final thought… the future is but a ghost of the past, so why bother living; have I been deep today or what, Been There Haven’t Done That.

LATE

Lesson 085 ~Slow Down~

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Hey Lady Lu...
There has yet to be a day when I don’t hear that woman’s voice echoing inside my head, “you need to slow down” yeah; “I Miss You” too Luna, this subject just never gets old. For today’s lesson and your viewing pleasure I have for you Rosa Joanna Farrell, she’s nineteen years old and from the game Final Fantasy IV.

Now I know it was my accident, my mistake, and my disgrace but honestly how much am I so suppose to slow down given the fact that I’m at a stand still and I just can’t seem to fall into the grave. You know what gets in the way of me getting home… life my darling Luna life; people say I’m standing in my own way and yeah maybe that’s true but it’s other lives making me wish to end this miserable existence you know. Hitting that dog has just got me thinking, I can’t see life, at this rate I can’t end a life, and someone is always yelling at me about this existence; is there any question why I long to die.

Let’s take a look at today’s lesson, to make a slut like Rosa look so beautiful I would think takes a very long time. I must admit, this is somewhat slow for my taste, not that I don’t want to take my time with a girl but honestly how long have I waited for love; again I am at a stand still just wanting to get home. Remember that girl from the ATL, yeah she called dude a quick pumper and considering I’m a virgin here I am so very fast with nowhere to get to; I’m saying get home but this place where I sit is not my home, it’s a house and if I had the balls I would take those sleeping pills I have and leave.

So I need to slow down hmm… what sucks is she is probably right but will my path be clear, will life stop standing in my way, can I for once have some quiet inside this damn brain Luna. That’s what I have girls like Rosa for, a five minute reprieve, a breeze before I burn so much hotter, and a moment’s peace but like I told you before I need to extend it and I need somewhere to “come” to.

The war has been grinding to a halt as of late and I don’t want it to, I keep saying evil must be opposed, The Abomination’s evil of course and my mother is an ally to that evil; I’m starting to fall through Hell much too fast. Another development, I have looked at this girl on YouTube; I keep asking myself “what am I doing,” yeah Luna scary but I’m approaching ever so slow.

“Ain't No Rest For The Wicked” Luna I consider myself second circle damned and I am quickly moving into circle nine Treachery; so who is it that I am betraying, like Faye Valentine would say “don’t lose me” I’m keeping my mouth shut on that dog I hit but there I am having a conversation about Braxton, have I forgotten already all mommy and The Abomination’s crimes in exchange for my own, I almost ended a dog’s life they have ripped apart my soul, damn what is wrong with me? Well I still have pretty Rosa here but I have to climb back up and let me just say that it’s been real cold as of late.

Anyway I saw this girl awhile back on Youtube and she sorta warmed me up some and so I left her a comment and big surprise I got nothing. I’m not falling for her, let me say that again I’M NOT FALLING FOR HER, but today I left her a few comments, so unlike what I gave Chrissy but just enough that she knows I’m here. No more comments if she says nothing Luna and I know you scoff; do you want me to promise… okay so I’m not in the mood to give my word.

So what have I learned today… stop speeding, work on fucking, and to stop falling, the one thing I should hurry up and do is dying. For a final thought how will I ever catch up my sweet lady Luna, when I can’t get moving, just Slow Down…

LATE

Entry 084 ~Anxiety~

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Hey Lady Lu...
“Anxiety” is killing me, now there is a lot of stuff that’s killing me or is trying but anxiety most of all, start with that dog I hit Friday. The lesson for today will be Tifa Lockhart though the focus is more looking outside the picture; I want you to stay in the scene but you’re walking in on it.

First there’s the fact Luna that I think sooner or later the family is going to show up, their dog is alive and well but they could have my license plate, word of mouth, or those damn meetings, everyone is going to know. Now I’m nobody to talk about keeping a “Secret” I mean I tell you so much and the only reason the enemy hasn’t found this place is because their stupid and they don’t give a damn but let’s pretend that they do I still haven’t told them anything. I know I say this all the time but you know where my fear lives, my worriers, and my anxiety and that is with The Abomination; my car door is broken.

Now look at Tifa, it’s too big I imagine and she can not keep quiet, she cries, she screams, and she cums; her rapist doesn’t give damn, he just keeps pounding into her. This is where I am I think; I’m going on with my evil deeds but I’m becoming oblivious and it’s only a matter of time before that door behind him bursts open. There is no hiding it now Luna, I have my fun while it lasts because how many times have I said this, I will be caught, I will confess, and I will die.

I can’t get that lady’s voice out of my head “you need to slow down” how I wish I could have just told her I’m already dead, my existence is my room, I don’t want to leave it, and if you don’t burn my remains The Abomination will. You know Luna that’s why the guy doesn’t look back, because he has accepted his fate in doing this, I suppose I have yet to accept hitting that dog, I didn’t want do it but I want to do Tifa.

My lovely Luna I don’t smile but everyone else does that’s why they live and I’m going to die, you know what they say about “Smiling Faces” my face tells the truth and do you want to know what the mirror is saying…

Hitting that dog haunts me; there are moments that I can completely forget about it and moments when I seem frozen in place. Every time the phone rings, when I hear a car pull up, when I look outside the window and see those Christmas ribbons fly, and etc, I think they’re coming, they’re here, and I’m dead. I’m scared I’ll never get over this, I hear how people talk about guilt and if I did confess yeah it would go away because I’d be dead and this would all be over.

I need money now, that’s it, there is nothing else, I need money so I can have power and my love how badly I need power right now; desperate times and desperate measures right Luna?

You remember that guy panicking in Quarantine the one that was like gotta get out, we gotta get outta here... well Christmas is coming up so the time to escape is now.

When The Abomination finds out and oh yes Luna he will find out, that’s like saying yes there will be blood and there will be, maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll finally kill me this time. Every time I hear his voice, when I hear a creak coming from the floor boards, and I can’t even tell you how many close calls I’ve had with him coming downstairs, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve died. Then there is the question of how he’ll find out, chances are he’ll let me dig my own grave, hell he’ll have me crucify myself, a phone call, the front door, my car door, it’s only a matter of time.

Why can’t this be me on top of Tifa huh, if I were to die this would be the way to go, you know how I’m always talking about zombie movies or end of the world type stuff but not like this not because of my Anxiety.

LATE

Entry 083 ~It Ain’t Me~

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Hey Lady Lu...
I don’t know how many times I have honestly wanted to believe it ain’t me… I’m not a victim. Speaking of being a victim, today’s lesson is High Summoner Yuna; she’s nineteen in this image.

Bitches are bitches I said yesterday right; I’m still thinking about that dog I hit Friday with my car. Another twenty-four hours has come and gone but will I have to pay Monday, the day after hell maybe a month from now; I could be worrying for nothing. All I know is that dog was my victim though he or she is still alive, the family, and I look at my car and think me too but how dare I right?

Yuna is a victim and I bet she wonders why she had to be, because she was pretty, maybe she was stupid, it could be because of who she is. What led to her being here, being fucked like a whore, what moment, what decision, how many minutes, simply a minute here or there makes all the difference. What about later if she should survive she will play this out again and again, I know dogs can do that, I hear Braxton cry in his sleep sometimes, he has nightmares of bad experiences.

I have a definition here… Victim – A living being sacrificed; a person or thing destroyed; a person who suffers… Is this not true of us all Luna, and you know something I don’t want it to be true for me, not anymore, I refuse to be a victim.
So what am I saying, that I rather be back in my car, Luna all the guilt I feel I can’t take it, it’s like what Quinn told Daria once, when you fall off the horse, you have to get back up and shoot it. Time marches on though, I remember Friday I was polarized, yesterday I was fucking scared, and today I still feel the guilt and the shame but I’m getting back to normal… well normal for me.

I wasn’t being a monster Luna, this was not some sadistic streak, and I didn’t want to be a killer, all I wanted was to get back to my room and continue with my work. On Masters of Horror "Dance of the Dead" I just heard something quite interesting, pain transforms the sensitive into cynics; accidents transform the innocent into the guilty, I know that’s not so deep but it’s true. The thing is there was a time when all I wanted was innocence, I swear I didn’t mean to hit that dog, I’m sorry I caused that family pain and I swear I’ll never do something like that ever again.

Something like that I say and then I look at this Al Bhed with Yuna and I think why can’t she be my victim, I know I would do something like this to her. What if I had power Luna, I mean if I had the power I craved and I would suffer no consequences what would I do then; this dog has me screwed up but what about people who deserve it, people I want, an existence like my own that doesn’t matter, what would I do then? Like I said before there was a time I wanted innocence and now I actually crave evil and after two days of mourning a dog that is alive and well what am I… good question.

I hate being the victim but as of Friday I hate being the monster, how badly I wish I could be one of those purple figures. Not “THEM” Luna I will never be “THEM” but faceless watching someone else claim about themselves, It Ain’t Me.

LATE

Entry 082 ~My Name Is Will and I’m Sorry~

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Hey Lady Lu...
My name is Will and yesterday I hit a dog with my car, I’m so very sorry… so what do you think of my Sydney Briar impersonation? I’ll get to the object of today’s lesson in a moment but first what I’m saying and where I’m not.

Yesterday Luna at approximately 4:00 PM I hit a dog with my car or he ran into my car judging by the driver’s side door; what am I saying this is my fault. As far as I know the dog is okay but you know what I’m doing now, I just jumped when I heard the mail truck pass by, I’m trying to wait twenty-four hours which means nothing, and I’m waiting like with every other sin, to be burned by it. You can not possibly imagine the guilt I feel or maybe I’m confusing guilt with fear; I deserve the wrath of that dog’s family but you know where my fear lives… such is The Abomination.

Do you remember where I said I was going to be today; I know I told you also that I couldn’t get in but with the events of yesterday The Local Authors Expo almost completely skipped my mind. I don’t think I could do it anyway even if I had gotten in; you’re going to have to excuse me Luna my fears seem to be overwhelming me at the moment. I just heard The Abomination talking to someone about me, it’s only 12:16 PM, and I’m trying desperately not to burst into tears.

Like Sydney Briar my Lady Lu I swear it was just supposed to be a normal day and here I am in a prison of my own making, worrying about a life I almost took, and the existence that any moment now might be taken from me. Where should I go, I don’t think I could go out, at least not with wheels; maybe that’s something I should look up, anyway the point of today is I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry… hey it worked for BP but of course they have power.

Now to the victims of today’s lesson… again we have the lovely Natsume Sisters and we are seeing the aftermath of what has been done to them. I won’t lie to you Luna, every time I masturbate to such filth I feel a sense of shame afterwards and I feel it is right of me to do so yet have I stopped.

Bitches is bitches doesn’t matter the species, did I really just say that; anyway when I see these sisters… the things I want to do with them but that dog I never wanted him or her harmed it just happened. When I’m with these sluts if I do have emotions they lead to pleasure but that dog there was fear, disbelief, some anger but I deserved it and I kept mine in check as it tried to overwhelm my fear and remorse. Anyway the ending result is exactly the same but in the case of the sisters I can feel my nature rising now, with the dog there is only fear, guilt, shame, and remorse and it’s not going away Luna.

You know how I feel about movies like Captivity, Hostel, Saw, Law Abiding Citizen, etc I have always imagined my role as the killer and how I would feel. I expected I would feel love, joy, and ungodly pleasures, when I imagine girls like Maya and Aya that’s what I do feel during our time together, and then the shame but “Then The Morning Comes”. I didn’t kill that dog Luna but if this is how it feels to almost take a life, what about if I did, what if I destroy a life, how many lives did I almost ruin yesterday, as I said bitches is bitches, if I feel so bad about a dog, what about a girl, what about The Abomination, will I feel anything if I finally succeed at taking my own life.

Since yesterday all I’ve been thinking is that nothing I have done matters and what almost happened yesterday would have defined me and that is fear, pain, and misery, I have no taste for my own and maybe I would not have a taste for theirs either. No joy, no pleasure, no nothing there was just me, an accident causing an accident, My Name Is Will And I’m Sorry.

Entry 081 ~What We Don’t Want To See~

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Hey Lady Lu...
There is so much beauty, even in Hell but there are times I see something that rocks me, disturbs me, and hell even scares me. Today’s lesson will be Tifa Lockhart, age 20, as beautiful as she is now still I feel a chill and even a sense of shame.

Today I was adding new pictures and I got a hold of some that were just truly macabre, you know I’m one for the most horrific crimes and such but these pictures well since I got them I haven’t had the nerve to look at them again. I saw such images and like the “Heron Blue” I just wanted to fly away and I can only imagine the mind that created such things… and I think I’m disturbed. Luna I told you before The Abomination’s evil must be opposed and that there are lengths to which I won’t go, that’s what I saw today and I really wish I hadn’t.

I look at Tifa and maybe I’m in those five minutes Jon Stewart was talking about last night, I’m not thinking about sex but I’m ashamed of what it took to get to this point. Just look into her eyes Luna, she can’t believe what she’s doing, I can’t believe I would want Tifa to be this way but even now I know I would be capable of such things. How deep is Hell, deep enough that even damned souls are finding their way to Heaven, again I turn to Tifa. We don’t really want to know do we, the things we can and will become given the circumstances of our lives.

Luna my love you’re beautiful like Danielle, Chrissy, and Tifa but I only wish to violate, corrupt, and conquer such beauty because such innocence for some reason makes me feel better about my ugliness. Those pictures I saved today though and Tifa right here and now, seeing her violated is one thing, seeing her dead I couldn’t imagine, but seeing her look at me like this I can barely take it.

Tifa doesn’t disturb me as much as those other pictures Luna but there is plenty in this world I don’t want to see.

Again Tifa like this, look I may carry delusions about rape but that’s because in my world Luna I am allowed to; don’t give me real rape victims in this place much like that story I wrote awhile back Gown of Chaos I can believe want I want. Isn’t this what I want to do though, blurring the line between fantasy and reality, marveling at such beauty, and if I had the power… How often have I found that the truth hurts, hell Luna the truth kills; though I pride myself on knowing the truth still it is so hard to bear.

What about those animal commercials, you know the ones about animals that are abused and neglected do you know sometimes I just turn them off. I love Braxton, just thinking about him being out there, he never was and as long as I’m around never will be but just thinking about something like that, almost makes me shed a tear.

Finally there is the “Man In The Mirror” maybe I should say the monster in the mirror, I barely look at myself anymore, I can’t stand my face. It gets worse when I see who I am on the inside, damn Luna I think rape is quite fun, I allowed myself to get those horrific pictures, and I am quite sure that this existence for the moment is bearable because my sleeping pills are still sitting there unopened. The future is surely the worst thing to see, those pictures don’t even compare because I know once that I was something beautiful and right now I just want to make that beauty a little more like me but getting those pictures was the first step in showing… sooner or later there will be no more heart, no more beauty, and no more line and when that day comes, there will be blood.

I can’t be like THEM Luna, there is no what I see and what I choose to see, I only see everything and that’s What We Don’t Want To See.

LATE

Entry 080 ~Servant Is Your Master~

Tuesday, November 30, 2010







Hey Lady Lu...
Today was suppose to be a day of days, I thought I had this all worked out and well no I don’t; today is actually kicking my ass more than most. The lesson for today is Caitlin Prichard a.k.a. Rinko Yusa or by the looks of things I could be the lesson which is exactly the point.
When I was younger, I once had addictions, obsessions, hell things I wanted so bad and when I saw such things, they were the only things that existed. How many days and nights have I sat doing absolutely nothing imagining a certain toy, some story, or a pretty girl like Caitlin; it’s not like my life means anything. The thing is Luna I still have my desires and even knowing everything I do means nothing, I won’t be rich, won’t have my, glory, and I won’t find love I am still found wanting, driven, enslaved to such things.

Now look at Caitlin here, beautiful, a prize, not just a prize but my prize, this is what today was supposed to be about finally doing something, well something I have done about five times already. My book Luna, there is always a bit of fear and apprehension but also excitement and what about the timeline I put on myself, don’t keep her waiting. The payoff, who am I kidding right, there would never be a payoff but I always have that hope right, that this is the one, upon this rock I shall build my church.

Not today, can you believe that my beautiful Luna, I’m telling Caitlin, I’m telling, my book, and all I desire not today because, that’s just it I don’t know but it’s my decision if I am master. On the other hand look at her, I am doing all this for a future I can never have, my own life that I don’t want to own, and for a girl that doesn’t exist, I’m a slave.

I am on a slave to such a path; perhaps a slave to all paths, those chosen for me and the paths that I wished to master. They all are paths leading nowhere, again look at Caitlin… tempting though she may be I am a slave to nothing at all.

What would happen if I were to stop this course of action right now; honestly what I’m doing means nothing but for some reason makes me feel better about my sad excuse for an existence. Haven’t I said I’m giving up on love, given up writing, given up everything because I can never truly have it… does it look like Caitlin needs a man? She’s free Luna, my desires don’t care for me but I care for them meaning that they own me and looking at Caitlin I don’t think I want to be free.

Luna I believe we all are slaves in the end, even those with the greatest power only desire more; such lust will never be sated. I wouldn’t mind so much if I actually had love, tell me someone is here with us, tell me that this night’s lesson is actually meaning something, and tell me this day was not a complete waste. What if there was a way to be free, I heard something to the tune of it’s only when we lose everything, that we are free to do anything; I wonder what this is anything or nothing?

Fine if I am to be enslaved I only wish to have the power to do the same to others, you know own the lifestyle, if I have a weakness for young girls well… Why do you think I’m such a sadist my dear Luna… because I have been a masochist; someday well for someone else, Servant Is Your Master.


I know Caitlin’s birthday was the 11th of November but I’m been a servant to other things Happy Belated Birthday Caitlin!

LATE

Entry 079 ~Overheard~

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Hey Lady Lu...
I have a problem… with waking up in the morning, seems no matter what I do I can’t hear a damn thing but it gets worse; when I’m awake I hear everything, well everything that matters or doesn’t I don’t know anymore. Today’s lesson will be brought to you by Ashelia B’nargin Dalmasca a.k.a. Princess Ashe and I’ll call her Ashe for short, she’s nineteen, yeah I know not jailbait; anyway this is a lesson in what we should or shouldn’t hear.

Yesterday Luna I was walking by my mother while she was on the phone; she gave me a look and then I proceeded to go downstairs, my ears picked up her conversation about computers. Now my mother is not a computer person neither is The Abomination thank goodness but when he talks I’m worried when my mother does there is confusion. Being one that knows survival rests in knowing the enemy I can’t help but wonder what the talk was about and why she moved away from the door so I could no longer hear.

Now look at this guy fingering Ashe, I wonder what would happen if someone saw them there together? My guess is trouble that’s why they moved into the alley, off the street so no one can see; she grits her teeth to avoid showing… hmm her pleasure. If people know things Luna, people interfere, they get in the way; hell they prepare and so those who have secrets of course hide them to win but the truth always comes out.

So I heard something I wasn’t suppose to hear and it might not have anything at all to do with me but I’m going to worry, if I’m not too lazy I might prepare, and even then I’m going to lose. If only I could overhear some good news Luna, something like slutty Ashe here but honestly we’re talking about my life here.

What about people overhearing me… to tell you the truth I do feel such shame and then the stupid thing is you’re right here Luna, you know a “Secret” here or there. I’m an open book, literally, if you want to know me “We Right Here” my secrets, my sluts, and my sins.

Another problem I have Luna is that I have a tendency to talk out loud to myself, how else am I to silence the voices constantly driving me deeper into madness; I need something anything because there is no one here, just me, Braxton and you and like I said I’m not sure you like me half the time, plus you’re a therapist that allows porn. Sad but there are things I don’t even tell you which is weird huh, I’ll show you a cunt getting fingered but I can barely tell you my day to day dealings. I just thought is there such a thing as a good secret, surprise parties, my book I’m hoping to finish tonight, and like I said my day to day… if anybody cared maybe.

The idea of us talking my sweet Lady Lu is me being overheard but no one cares to listen, yet another reason I use whores like Ashe because maybe just maybe, while someone is looking they might care to listen, might care to read. Another thing while looking at Ashe I wonder why they’re doing this outside, I can tell you the excitement, the pleasure is heightened, and of course someone might find out. Gays aren’t the only ones in the closet, we all are, our corpses, our skeletons, and we wait for the zombie apocalypse because the truth will set you free… of the mortal coil that is.

I’ll admit Luna I am afraid that any minute now someone is going to walk into my dark alley and learn my secret; yeah I touch Ashe in such a way and someone is going to stop me. My secrets are right here, told to the world, I’ve lasted this long why should I be worried about being Overheard…

LATE

Entry 078 ~How Did We Get Here…~

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Hey Lady Lu…
I see we have a very captive audience here tonight; yeah I just made a joke, cracked a smile, something I have been trying not to do lately but hell escaping death, slutty teens, don’t know “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, not that my teenage years are anything to write home about. This is exactly the reason for today’s lesson, I once heard something to the tune of you don’t know where you’re going, unless you know where you’ve been, which begs the question.

Let’s start shall we, the girls before you the slut in the chair is Rinoa Heartilly, the whore in bed is Selphie Tilmitt, both age seventeen; that’s what I like about anime girls, I get older, they stay the same age… yeah kinda stole that from “Dazed And Confused”. So how did they get here, someone obviously wanted them this way, could be for any number of reasons, their beauty, perhaps someone’s madness, or it could be someone’s rage; you know a part of me feels that they want this, I mean hot babes that want a little “Rock-A-Bye”. Now I’ll leave the subject of fate for another time but and I can’t believe I’m saying this but you wake up one morning and you think “Everything Is Different Now”

Regardless of how they got here I imagine their first thought is how they get away; maybe it’s too late, look at their eyes as if they’re looking at their assailant. Who knows maybe after awhile they won’t want to escape, they’ll do whatever is asked of them, maybe they’ll enjoy every second of what is about to happen to them. Luna let’s say they are rescued or something and they get to go on with their normal lives, can they, will they, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

We live our lives or in my case exist and then we find ourselves somewhere, even if that somewhere is in the middle of nowhere lost and we can’t help but wonder. Once we are just here what do we do huh; as for Rinoa and Selphie they get fucked, and who knows both assailant and these girls might be on “The Winning End”

So how did I get here my sweet Lady Luna, to finding such sights beautiful, to having nothing in my world to truly say is mine, and praying for death on a nightly basis? Now that I know where I stand the question becomes what am I going to do about it, hell without power is there anything I can do about it, right?

Much like this morning I was “On The Run” I wish I could tell you the whole story but like I said nothing is truly mine, anyway I was going to take Braxton for a walk and had to back up for the neighbors dog, I think her name is Belle; she really hates Braxton or me, maybe both of us. Sometimes it’s like I have spent my whole life running, I know that someday the powerless must stand against the powerful, to get out of Hell you kill the devil, to have a life you end a life, what I’m trying to say is The Abomination must be dealt with. Maybe Luna I have been telling the world “I’ll Be Waiting” for you to want me, to accept me, and to love me; maybe the world rather have Hell, it gives me enough especially considering what I wish to give it now, the things I would do to Rinoa and Selphie.

Okay Luna I’m here now what, if Rinoa and Selphie truly were my world I would rape them until they can’t live without it, yeah I know thank “Shusaku” for the reference anyway I would do everything “Till I Collapse”. I have begged for love forever but the time has come to take what I want and fuck everyone else; at the end of the day the only thing that matters is power, what has good ever done for me, but I’m in this place now and while I’m not talking about really going out and raping some girl you know what I mean, fuck the world, not be the bitch. There is always the final solution Luna, it’s no secret, I’ll never have girls like this, I’ll never has this power, and honestly I don’t know what to do so I could always just kill myself…

Where am I going, to a nicer part of Hell hopefully Luna, where have I been, the ninth circle; right now this is the way it stands. All I ever wanted was a life, to have love, and be “Successful” but instead the two of us are right here, right now How Did We Get Here…

LATE

Entry 077 ~Thanks For Nothing… But The Truth~

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Hey Lady Lu…
I won’t say I understand and so I wonder what it’s like to be locked in a box, are those people thankful; are they thankful to be alive, to see another day, and to live out there lives possibly in such an existence. Today’s lesson again features the slutty Natsume sisters and I ask are they thankful; imagine such horrors, rape, torture, and even The Abomination, are they thankful… am I?

When I was in high school I was sent to juvenile hall, now I got out in three days sure but I told you before Luna I never really grew up. I’m still trapped, my parents say leave okay, but then what, me and The Abomination agreeing on anything and that is on thoughts of my death. Honestly I long to die, “Everyday Is Exactly The Same” which of course means worse, and I know that I can’t live the rest of my life this way, how am I supposed to be thankful?

I look at these two beautiful girls in their bikinis and I actually imagine myself being so pure and good once; aren’t we all? Luna I can put the blame on so many and I won’t pretend that I had nothing to do with it but the fucking Abomination, every suicide attempt, ever murderous thought, every corruption, and all the pain he has been the root. Are Maya (black bikini) and Aya (zebra print) thankful, knowing they can never be those innocent girls on the beach again, scary to think that I am thankful that I have become the monster, the freak who wants to do such things to them.

There are moments I am thankful Luna, there are seconds at a time I am glad to be alive, I even try to remind myself to be thankful then I hear The Abomination roaring, my mother bitching and I think damn it all, damn me, now where are my pills? Given the horrors these girls have been through they could get on with their lives, what happened becomes a part of them and The Abomination, Chrissy, and others, have made me what I am and truly I am thankful.

Today of all days I should say what I am thankful for right; I’m just going to live in the moment alright and say what comes to mind Luna.

Let me start by saying I’m thankful for the music “I Like It Rough”, I was just looking at the pictures of Rinoa Heartilly and this was the first thing I thought of, plus I like that somehow it drowns out the voices, at least a little. I’m thankful for beauty and no I’m not talking about the “Man In The Mirror” there is such beauty in the world and though I may never feel it, create it, or even violate it at least I know it’s there. Luna I am thankful I have the opportunity to share such things with the world, okay only you, so tell me what you think?

I can’t stress how thankful I am for porn; if it wasn’t for porn chances are I would be dead, now there’s a thought but I love it so. Since I’ll never know love, even yours Luna I have chosen to indulge in lust and that will have to be good enough.

If I had any I would raise a glass to evil, all but The Abomination’s, everyone else Shusaku, Isaku, the men of SeeD raping Rinoa, the men who raped Maya and Aya, Le Marquis de Sade and so many others, to the darkness that inhabits us all. Luna I have not been caught yet, I still have some moves, and I’m still learning so I am thankful for knowledge; they say ignorance is bliss but again knowing something that others don’t will have to do. Finally I am thankful to you Luna and to Braxton, at this point you’re my only two friends and the both of you don’t really like me much; I had an idea for a song but “It Doesn’t Matter”

I’m not thankful for life because I have never had one and chances are… whatever, Thanks For Nothing… But The Truth.

LATE

Entry 076 ~Fighting What You Want~

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hey Lady Lu…
Ask me what I want and like a girl I would think everything; there is so much in the world why not just take everything and figure out the rest later? The thing is I can’t have everything, hell I can’t have anything, and so I learn to hate wanting or maybe I just want in a different way.

I’ll use love as today’s lesson Luna with the beautiful Natsume sisters, Maya on the left and her little sister Aya on the right. Do you know this is how girls see me; I write love poetry, I try to write romantic letters, and if you remember Chrissy I tried to make sweet videos, okay noted somewhat risqué but they came from my heart and I might as well have pulled a gun. So I want love and I can’t have it so what do I do… I learn to hate love, to fight against it, to deny and I take something else... I take lust.

It’s all about give and take Luna, give me a job and I will work, give me money and I’ll find somewhere else to live, give me a chance and I’ll change the world; honestly if I could give back the stuff I have been “given” I would and be dead already. So let’s look at the picture, if I can’t have your heart I’ll take your body, if I can’t have your words I’ll take your screams, you know that sort of thing. All of this fighting against love and the scary thing is that given time you even forget what you’re fighting for or against, you’re just fighting.

I think I told you once before awhile back that I’m sick of fighting, why can’t I just shut up and lose already? Luna do you even belong to me, I’m told over and over that nothing belongs to me and so I hate it or I wish to ravage, violate, and corrupt everything; fires of desire.

Look at Maya and Aya, Luna it is clear between their legs what they want; there are so many reasons we deny, we lie, and we fight against the things we want.

It’s wrong, this is something I have grown up with; everything I have ever wanted in this world has always been wrong and so why bother wanting? I wanted to be loved Luna, I want my writing, there was even a time I wanted to be a good boy and now I’m merely endured, no one reads what I write, and most days I wish I were dead. So yes I want to hurt people, I have very strange ideas about sex, and I’m a “Bad Man” or a bad something, I’m not ashamed of it.

Everyone but The Abomination especially would say that it’s all stupid; when did it get stupid, my first breath, my first cry, my first thought, you should hear the stories Luna. My aunt told me once I wanted to destroy the Earth, hell given the fact that there is nothing here for me and of course ending my own life, but then again if she were so smart she wouldn’t have been murdered by a man I clearly knew was bad news, oh yeah she married him.

Finally it’s just me… how many times have I told you it’s all my fault and how many times have I had to listen to it from everyone else. I’ve never murdered anyone, I don’t endorse rape (for real), and never have I destroyed a soul but the wanting Luna, the desire, you know the things I would do if I had power. The “Stranger In My Skin” how many hands in the end have made the freak you see before you, the monster who finds such a picture beautiful, the beast who a few minutes ago was watching “General Hospital” asking again and again how old was Molly; she’s just a child and a character, what is thing that has created such an existence around myself?

What do I want Luna, right now Maya and Aya but then again Luna you’re telling me, I’m telling me, you’re Fighting What You Want.

Entry 075 ~Calling Me~

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hey Lady Lu…

“Call Me, Call Me” no she’s not, he’s not, and they’re not; even if they did I’m not sure what I would do anyway… if I were to win. Those that do call I don’t want to answer and do or don’t always the better scenario would be to die.

What if there is some girl out there calling for me right now, how often I imagine Chrissy playing with herself and screaming my name. Sometimes I don’t know if my Chihuahua Braxton cares about me at all; he was crying all last night but not for my comfort, I think he wants his freedom from off the leash… we have so much in common Luna. “I Wish” I had someone, anyone, or at least the roar of the crowd but I don’t; I don’t even have anything and everyone I know seems to be enjoying that fact.

Three calls over the past few days; my grandmother called me for Thanksgiving dinner, you of course know what my answer is but two big problems, my mother and The Abomination. Speaking of which a few days ago I was in the shower so I didn’t hear my mother so you know what she does… bitch as though no one can hear her and of course I do and then she acts as if nothing is wrong when I finally answer, when the water is off and I walk out. Today was the worst Luna, until tomorrow right; I should really be a “Talk Show Host” so I can tell everyone, The Abomination makes me want to kill myself every time he speaks, today it was just raking though and I’m still here.

“Close Your Eyes And Wander” that’s your advice or really my advice but it’s not really working anymore when I have so many voices talking in my head. When it gets to be too much I focus on one story you know, hell I watched the movie “Avatar” in my head while I was raking and oh yes Luna it gets worse.

“Ain't No Sunshine” in my life Luna and to be perfectly honest my idea of love has become quite dark, the silence, the screaming, and her eventual madness. I know I shouldn’t expect someone to save me, how many times do I have to say no God, but I imagine someone calling for me because I am no longer calling for them.

Nowadays Luna I don’t want to know because I already know the answer, give them what they want and they’ll go away or maybe I should say obey given Ashley Graham here. On the other hand I want to be wanted and needed, “You’re Not Here” all the time but I want the world to be strung out, addicted to me, I want them screaming out for me but they’ve never met me huh? I have seen the behavior of fans for these superstars, I want someone like that, the question will be asked “How Crazy Are You”, imagine if I could get girls like this…

Okay back to reality my lovely Luna, I remember how it felt that day at the pool ~Mr. President... It's Fun To Dream~ having those teens talk to me. I remember how it felt at last year’s expo when people would talk to me, let’s keep in mind however it was a complete waste of time and I want to do it again. Now you know what I don’t remember; some girl calling for me in the woods, because it has never happened and what if my so-called friends found out, anyone…anyone?

Let me just state for the record how easy this is now that the porn is back but anyway here I am waiting and I hear nothing and this is a very conflicting feeling. No one is looking for me, no one is waiting for me; Luna when the call comes and trust me it will, I’ll wish no one was Calling Me…

LATE

Entry 074 ~Too Little, Too Late~

Saturday, November 20, 2010

 

Hey Lady Lu…

I feel I need to apologize for the way I have been talking to you lately, I’ve been somewhat distracted, idiotic, and just plain lazy but I’m just being me. My love I should also apologize for my weakness, perhaps my insanity, and just the fact that I’m too little; take that as you will.

So much has been happening Luna from not getting into the expo, to falling in love with the movie “Avatar” and of course the constant conversations I have been having with myself. Sometimes I get so full of ideas and they just don’t work or I have zero ideas at all and I just keep on writing because… well I just have to. At this very moment I am so tired; I feel kinda guilty for complaining but fuck the voices, I want to go to bed.

If I were stronger what, would anything change, I suppose there is no use thinking about being stronger, smarter, or more powerful but still it sucks for the both of us. I’ve told you a number of times I’m “in sanity” and that is enough to drive anyone insane over the course of twenty-six years. Saying that number Luna it just makes me sick to my stomach because I never grew up; I’m still a child told to be a man and turned into a monster.

At the end of the day all I am is too little and Hell is a mighty big place… in a way this is how I survive but The Abomination’s eyes are always on me; it’s like I’m ant under a magnifying glass. Tell me Luna am I making any sense at all; this is what happens when you fail knowing that no one cares I just stop trying.

“Too Little Too Late” that’s my life, if I’m not busy being ignored intentionally, I’m too late and I miss my moment, like the expo, or others are too late in seeing me. It’s far too late to start my life all over again, I don’t have any chips to cash in but somehow I find another quarter and I keep playing.

Do you know what it’s like Luna to see all these damn kids making money, if I could go back and someone gave a damn about me, where would I be right now? There are times I let my fears get the better of me, hell call it good sense and what would I have to show at the expo anyway? What about Chrissy, I had a shot at Dr. Phil so who do I blame Luna, Chrissy for telling me to take down all my videos or the people for being too late to take any notice of what I was doing?

There is no reset button my lovely Luna and if I could go back I wouldn’t bother with the “Hurt” hell I would just kill myself and be done with it. What about my family… my grandma is much too late but what do I know right, I say no but can I possibly enforce it? I’m thinking about what I’m doing now, all these words are meaningless, worthless, and just plain stupid but I can’t stop myself because of some stupid promise to myself.

Do you know how often I have wished this is some nightmare and that maybe I’ll wake up to be living some “Teenage Dream” yeah I know a lot more romantic than the other one. Anyway this is where I am stuck Luna, riding the “Space Junk” Too Little, Too Late.

LATE

Entry 073 ~Devoid Of Core~

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hey Lady Lu…

I know right, a hell of a name, actually it just sounded good at the time; as for now I have no center, no plans, and no expo. When you have no center you are just waiting for something to push you in, wreck you, and throw you away like so much garbage; the story of my life.

Now I know you’re asking about the expo… there was no room for me, I was too late, maybe at the end of the day I was just too scared but the fact is I’m not going. Dare I hope there might be a place for me the day of the expo, too much to risk on a maybe so I’m not going, better to do what I’m best at… nothing. Like I told you before Luna I shouldn’t even be going anyway; this should have been settled in February but of course no one gives a shit and it’s still all my fault.

Like a fool all I’m doing now is piling on top of my cracking shell, you should read my latest poetry, I expect to be done on time but it’s all garbage. I was thinking I’ll buy what books I can so when The Abomination does cave my head in, I’ll have something soft to land on. Every second I get new ideas that end up being nothing but more shit, like talking to you Luna… I’m sorry.

There’s nothing Luna, just nothing, no heart, no mind, and no soul just the constant burning; such is Hell. How badly I wish I could say I am “Still Unbroken” but the scars are bleeding again and as always it is only a matter of time.

Okay Lady Lu, I’m going to tell you this analogy for the movie “The Core” I got from “General Hospital”; I don’t really feel like talking and I want to make sure I never forget.

Carly is the first bomb; she has all the intelligence on Brenda and she will trigger all the corresponding bombs in order to get the core Brenda moving again. Lulu will be second being that Brenda slept with her lover Dante and of course Dante lied, Carly doesn’t care for Lulu but the damage that will result will hurt Brenda. Samantha will be next seeing as how her lover Jason has become Brenda’s champion, her jealously is growing. Maxie is already willing to take Brenda out for her Jackal not that she wants him back but his devotion should be for her alone, or so she thinks. Then there is Claire, if Brenda had never returned Sonny would be with her instead of waiting for Brenda.

These women along with corresponding characters will hit Brenda hard thus restarting the core and once the core is restarted Brenda will spin out of control. If Carly’s plan comes to fruition she will at least in her mind being saving the world but creating a void when Brenda leaves. Carly will then take her place as the new core and the world will return to normal; well Luna they will have a core unlike me.

I know this sucks Luna and it gets worse, my existence, my ideas, and do you know I even forgot one of the girls with the “Casual Romance Club” the center doesn’t hold, I’m devoid of core.

LATE

Entry 072 ~The Act Of Waiting~

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hey Lady Lu…
You can call it procrastination if you want but I feel like I’m doing what I’m always doing… waiting. They say that waiting for death is always worse than the actual act itself; in that case the expo should be nothing.

When you don’t have any power Luna what is there to do; I like to believe that there is a middle ground but you’re either master or slave, what else is there? Another thing, God helps those who help themselves, you know why that is, because if we waited on God’s help we would all be dead by now but that’s going to be a way long conversion. You know me I’m always ready to die; I even have some pills right now but still I’m waiting, hell maybe I'm hoping?

It’s not like I haven’t done anything, just this morning I checked out those two envelopes on the dresser and as I thought, I so wish I hadn’t. I was looking for bookstands today but of course they cost a lot of money and even if I could buy some there is still the question of books. If I call the library today that would be a step in the right direction, it would mean I’m going again, it would make it real.

Waiting in itself is just another form of torture but what else do I expect, this is Hell. There is still time you know, time to get to the expo, time to get noticed and seen, and time to save us Luna from everything.

It’s not just the waiting though it’s the wanting; it’s why I barely go out anymore because there is so much in this world and I can’t have any of it. Desires, passions, and the damn wanting can drive you crazy, well crazier and then I’m told to wait, I’m told someday, and the answer is always never.

You need money to make money and I don’t have any, at least not any to spend considering the crazy days that I exist in Luna. What I want is bookstands, books to sell, and somebody interested in buying and these things are too much to hope for. I am told over and over that nothing is mine, it can never be mine, and if there is something I could claim it’s worthless.

I remember when I was a child waiting for my birthday, Christmas, or I had a lot of money, there was this time The Abomination robbed me… yes I said he fucking robbed me. There was a time I thought this would be so very simple you know, write books and make money but no; life kind of just goes you know like Lockerz, all the points I earned on there for nothing at all. Do you know what it’s like to wake up in the morning not thinking about what you’re going to gain but hoping against hope that you don’t lose more; the one thing I want to give, my life they don’t want or they already own, why go for death when you can get the pain?

Luna I can’t wait for someday okay, I can’t wait for a day that will never come and so I can’t want the things that day will bring either. So what is it I’m really doing, I’m ready okay I’m ready but there is nothing, there is never, only The Act Of Waiting.

LATE

Entry 071 ~Different~

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Hey Lady Lu…
You don’t want to be different, hell I don’t want to be different but neither of us had a real choice in the matter did we? Regardless of the world, you want to be the same as everyone else because if you’re not you’re either powerful, a freak, or dead; you can even be all three.

So what makes me different Luna; to start off “Right Thing, Wrong Way” it starts with getting out of bed and has continued with every breath I take, so yeah it sucks. If I don’t want to be different then I don’t need to be me thus you see my dilemma and why “Everyday Is Exactly The Same” Finally there’s the simple fact that I have stopped trying to be like everyone else because it wouldn’t matter, dammed if you do and damned if you don’t.

People in power are supposedly different and that’s just bullshit, there has to be something I don’t get… well maybe I do which is why I’m here, the powerful are just different faces acting exactly the same. Being in the freak show doesn’t appeal to me either my lovely Luna, it would be fine if I were being paid but since I’m not that leaves dead. This is the fate of those that are different so of course why am I still alive, if I’m the same as millions before me hell yet another reason I wish I was dead.

So what is it about me being different today… if anything I’m just sick of it, I love it but I’m sick of it because I watch everyone who is different get their asses kicked, I am creeping myself out. Maybe it isn’t about being the same or different but being me and in the end that too isn’t good enough.

It could be I’m “Waiting On The World To Change” but how long am I supposed to wait, hell I know the world wasn’t always like this, it has to be me who changed. Perhaps it’s something like the “Stranger In My Skin” and then again it’s not my fault… wait we know how that argument ends.

The Abomination, my mother, my blood, and everyone else in my fucking life has started to get on one page; like most of my writing I just want to rip it all out. People are always the same when it comes to me, I’m me and they are “THEM” and nothing is ever going to change that. I take that back; power Luna, power changes everything, until I have power I’m different but when I have it I could make them like me which would make me the same; I would hate that wouldn’t I.

Then again Miss Luna it really doesn’t matter if I’m not in control anyway, let them do what they want and maybe I might find my way to death sometime soon. It’s not like they want me to be like them, one of them, family, hell no let me be me so they can tear me down as they have been doing. What I am is enough for them but then again a constant theme of being different is of course being dangerous and that they can’t abide.

Anyway the moral of the story is that being different sucks, being the same sucks even more, and being me, is there any wonder I want to die. This is all my fault you know, who I am, what I am, whatever this has just been a day of the same for someone different.

LATE