Hey Lady Lu...
Today was suppose to be a day of days, I thought I had this all worked out and well no I don’t; today is actually kicking my ass more than most. The lesson for today is Caitlin Prichard a.k.a. Rinko Yusa or by the looks of things I could be the lesson which is exactly the point.
When I was younger, I once had addictions, obsessions, hell things I wanted so bad and when I saw such things, they were the only things that existed. How many days and nights have I sat doing absolutely nothing imagining a certain toy, some story, or a pretty girl like Caitlin; it’s not like my life means anything. The thing is Luna I still have my desires and even knowing everything I do means nothing, I won’t be rich, won’t have my, glory, and I won’t find love I am still found wanting, driven, enslaved to such things.
Now look at Caitlin here, beautiful, a prize, not just a prize but my prize, this is what today was supposed to be about finally doing something, well something I have done about five times already. My book Luna, there is always a bit of fear and apprehension but also excitement and what about the timeline I put on myself, don’t keep her waiting. The payoff, who am I kidding right, there would never be a payoff but I always have that hope right, that this is the one, upon this rock I shall build my church.
Not today, can you believe that my beautiful Luna, I’m telling Caitlin, I’m telling, my book, and all I desire not today because, that’s just it I don’t know but it’s my decision if I am master. On the other hand look at her, I am doing all this for a future I can never have, my own life that I don’t want to own, and for a girl that doesn’t exist, I’m a slave.
I am on a slave to such a path; perhaps a slave to all paths, those chosen for me and the paths that I wished to master. They all are paths leading nowhere, again look at Caitlin… tempting though she may be I am a slave to nothing at all.
What would happen if I were to stop this course of action right now; honestly what I’m doing means nothing but for some reason makes me feel better about my sad excuse for an existence. Haven’t I said I’m giving up on love, given up writing, given up everything because I can never truly have it… does it look like Caitlin needs a man? She’s free Luna, my desires don’t care for me but I care for them meaning that they own me and looking at Caitlin I don’t think I want to be free.
Luna I believe we all are slaves in the end, even those with the greatest power only desire more; such lust will never be sated. I wouldn’t mind so much if I actually had love, tell me someone is here with us, tell me that this night’s lesson is actually meaning something, and tell me this day was not a complete waste. What if there was a way to be free, I heard something to the tune of it’s only when we lose everything, that we are free to do anything; I wonder what this is anything or nothing?
Fine if I am to be enslaved I only wish to have the power to do the same to others, you know own the lifestyle, if I have a weakness for young girls well… Why do you think I’m such a sadist my dear Luna… because I have been a masochist; someday well for someone else, Servant Is Your Master.
I know Caitlin’s birthday was the 11th of November but I’m been a servant to other things Happy Belated Birthday Caitlin!
LATE
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