Hey Lady Lu...
I can’t change the past, especially past events that never happened but are only in the mind, the heart, and are more real to me than the actual moment. My grandma told me that me and The Abomination once got along so why is it I can’t remember, maybe it’s a family trait the whole selective memory thing, maybe it’s just a lie but I believe that maybe the hurt is just so great that it easily destroys any goodness that may or may not have existed.It’s been one week since I hit that dog and I’m not thinking about as if I hadn’t hit him or her; my mind always goes to worst case scenario and so it’s as if I did kill that dog or even a person. I have mourned, I have cowered, and to this day I believe I will suffer the consequences of that day, a part of me wishes I did suffer the family’s wrath but what truly terrifies me is The Abomination’s rage or should I say pleasure at having me suffer. If I could only live in the moment Luna, the dog is fine, I’m fine, existence continues, but my thoughts on that day are truer than the day itself.
Maybe I give The Abomination too much credit on my ability to lie; I can never lie to him it’s like his power extends that far but maybe it’s just the fact that I can’t pick and choose moments, I say what’s real. Do you know how easy it is for them to lie Luna, if I could lie I’d lie to myself which actually I do, it brings us here me lying making things worse for myself; truth works the same way, I can’t lie up the truth is weighing me down, now that’s deep. The badness, the sadness, and the madness, I suppose drowns out the goodness, those voices have long since been killed off.
I’ve been places Luna, such dark hellish places but those fires burn away my flesh leaving only bones and the thing is I’m not dead yet, the past looks like Hell but it isn’t Hell. I think I understand why I do this, because there’s a “Rainbow In The Sky” or some kind of light and this light is my future and though I know it’s Hell maybe I’m hoping the fire is just a little less hot, something better…
What about hot let’s really crank up the heat with this hottie “Hollie” she’s today’s lesson from HelloHollie and Cam With Her. We’re talking about the past and Hollie is most definitely in the past but what I want to say is though I can’t lie up Luna I can imagine things for the better, I’m just never able to buy them as fact.
There have been moments Luna where things have been good; high school was Hell but there was a time during senior year when I was screaming my head off with the masses, a part of my class, whatever we were at the time I know I was free. You don’t know how desperate I am to find another good moment from my life but it seems I can’t, see I say something good and I immediately go back to the negative; when I graduated I didn’t get the food I wanted, the party I wanted, hell the life I wanted, I blame myself but as for my mother and The Abomination did they even ask me what I wanted? I have to say right here and right now despite everything that this moment is good, the silence, the peace, and that for maybe three more minutes I imagine nothing bad happening, it’s 6:37 PM.
Luna I imagine if I had ever had the chance to meet Hollie maybe I could have won her heart, maybe I would be the one fucking her in that video “Its Hollie Sex Video”. What if somehow I had played it smarter with Chrissy, hey come on now it could’ve happened, six books and counting… I’m always having dreams about “Glory” remember Dr. Phil, the Local Authors Expo, and if I had actually had my shot.
Okay so what have I learned today… that everything looks bad in the past and the future isn’t looking any better but I’m kinda like Giles in Buffy The Vampire Slayer “it has to be” For a final thought… the future is but a ghost of the past, so why bother living; have I been deep today or what, Been There Haven’t Done That.
LATE
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