Entry 074 ~Too Little, Too Late~

Saturday, November 20, 2010

 

Hey Lady Lu…

I feel I need to apologize for the way I have been talking to you lately, I’ve been somewhat distracted, idiotic, and just plain lazy but I’m just being me. My love I should also apologize for my weakness, perhaps my insanity, and just the fact that I’m too little; take that as you will.

So much has been happening Luna from not getting into the expo, to falling in love with the movie “Avatar” and of course the constant conversations I have been having with myself. Sometimes I get so full of ideas and they just don’t work or I have zero ideas at all and I just keep on writing because… well I just have to. At this very moment I am so tired; I feel kinda guilty for complaining but fuck the voices, I want to go to bed.

If I were stronger what, would anything change, I suppose there is no use thinking about being stronger, smarter, or more powerful but still it sucks for the both of us. I’ve told you a number of times I’m “in sanity” and that is enough to drive anyone insane over the course of twenty-six years. Saying that number Luna it just makes me sick to my stomach because I never grew up; I’m still a child told to be a man and turned into a monster.

At the end of the day all I am is too little and Hell is a mighty big place… in a way this is how I survive but The Abomination’s eyes are always on me; it’s like I’m ant under a magnifying glass. Tell me Luna am I making any sense at all; this is what happens when you fail knowing that no one cares I just stop trying.

“Too Little Too Late” that’s my life, if I’m not busy being ignored intentionally, I’m too late and I miss my moment, like the expo, or others are too late in seeing me. It’s far too late to start my life all over again, I don’t have any chips to cash in but somehow I find another quarter and I keep playing.

Do you know what it’s like Luna to see all these damn kids making money, if I could go back and someone gave a damn about me, where would I be right now? There are times I let my fears get the better of me, hell call it good sense and what would I have to show at the expo anyway? What about Chrissy, I had a shot at Dr. Phil so who do I blame Luna, Chrissy for telling me to take down all my videos or the people for being too late to take any notice of what I was doing?

There is no reset button my lovely Luna and if I could go back I wouldn’t bother with the “Hurt” hell I would just kill myself and be done with it. What about my family… my grandma is much too late but what do I know right, I say no but can I possibly enforce it? I’m thinking about what I’m doing now, all these words are meaningless, worthless, and just plain stupid but I can’t stop myself because of some stupid promise to myself.

Do you know how often I have wished this is some nightmare and that maybe I’ll wake up to be living some “Teenage Dream” yeah I know a lot more romantic than the other one. Anyway this is where I am stuck Luna, riding the “Space Junk” Too Little, Too Late.

LATE