Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Hey Lady Lu…
You can call it procrastination if you want but I feel like I’m doing what I’m always doing… waiting. They say that waiting for death is always worse than the actual act itself; in that case the expo should be nothing.
When you don’t have any power Luna what is there to do; I like to believe that there is a middle ground but you’re either master or slave, what else is there? Another thing, God helps those who help themselves, you know why that is, because if we waited on God’s help we would all be dead by now but that’s going to be a way long conversion. You know me I’m always ready to die; I even have some pills right now but still I’m waiting, hell maybe I'm hoping?
It’s not like I haven’t done anything, just this morning I checked out those two envelopes on the dresser and as I thought, I so wish I hadn’t. I was looking for bookstands today but of course they cost a lot of money and even if I could buy some there is still the question of books. If I call the library today that would be a step in the right direction, it would mean I’m going again, it would make it real.
Waiting in itself is just another form of torture but what else do I expect, this is Hell. There is still time you know, time to get to the expo, time to get noticed and seen, and time to save us Luna from everything.
It’s not just the waiting though it’s the wanting; it’s why I barely go out anymore because there is so much in this world and I can’t have any of it. Desires, passions, and the damn wanting can drive you crazy, well crazier and then I’m told to wait, I’m told someday, and the answer is always never.
You need money to make money and I don’t have any, at least not any to spend considering the crazy days that I exist in Luna. What I want is bookstands, books to sell, and somebody interested in buying and these things are too much to hope for. I am told over and over that nothing is mine, it can never be mine, and if there is something I could claim it’s worthless.
I remember when I was a child waiting for my birthday, Christmas, or I had a lot of money, there was this time The Abomination robbed me… yes I said he fucking robbed me. There was a time I thought this would be so very simple you know, write books and make money but no; life kind of just goes you know like Lockerz, all the points I earned on there for nothing at all. Do you know what it’s like to wake up in the morning not thinking about what you’re going to gain but hoping against hope that you don’t lose more; the one thing I want to give, my life they don’t want or they already own, why go for death when you can get the pain?
Luna I can’t wait for someday okay, I can’t wait for a day that will never come and so I can’t want the things that day will bring either. So what is it I’m really doing, I’m ready okay I’m ready but there is nothing, there is never, only The Act Of Waiting.
LATE
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